As I mentioned yesterday, I’m slipping. I try to be positive, but sometimes…..its hard.
After leaving the middle of no-where, I felt really good. I thought I was closer than ever to the girl I used to be. I finally got back into working out, and I felt so much better connected to her. My goals before the accident were working out playing the viola, playing rugby, kayaking, canoeing, biking, helping my mom and building things with my dad. I did well in school without really trying so it wasn’t really a specific goal I had in mind. I was 14, the girl next door type.
In the middle of no-where I got back into working out and eating healthy. I accepted that I couldn’t do things that I used to do. But then I came back to civilization, where there are people playing sports that I used to, but now I can’t. There are canoe trips that I can’t go on, rock climbing trips…… Little kids with their parents going to sport tournaments. And school, I’m in a program with super smart people, which is fantastic but I feel so stupid all the time…….and I’ve been away from home since september…..it feels like a long time….and I want to go home…..so overall I’m sad. I know I’m getting depressed, and I’m trying really hard to get out of it. But I haven’t gotten like this while I haven’t been home. So I have no strategies, and I’m not one to really lean on my friends for this…..I don’t want to push them away.
Another part is while in the middle of no-where I feel like I lost all my social skills, I used to be able to talk circles around people. They would feel like they had a fantastic conversation with me, and were special to me (which they were) but they would know nothing about me, it was all fluff I wold them. They would feel like they came away getting to know me but I wouldn’t have told them anything personal. I would remember things they told me and ask about them later, its always nice when people remember things about you that you’ve mentioned. But now I feel like all I talk about is myself, it never occurs to me to ask about some one else. I’m working on that one.
Its gonna get better I just gotta work on it.